It has been 5 months since Sharathji, my guru passed away. I, like others, have faced intense emotions and also followed some energetical chaos in the community and inside myself. When the king passes, the kingdom falls in to anarchy, chaos. I deep down knew, it is gonna get murky waters. In me and in the community.

When there is sorrow, there is also other emotions involved. And there isn’t one guidebook for this deep sorrow and it is so rarely spoken upon and shared, it feels very lonely and confusing when it is here. How you should grieve and for hong long? What if I share my grief with someone and it is just dismissed or not allowed? Shouldn’t I just be grateful and extremely happy about the days I could spend around him? How come I can be so sad about this and feel so lost, I have lovely family waking up next to me every morning? I should not be so attached to my emotions and on him.  Okay, I should get on with my life already, it is not as if my family member died…

Shame of feeling very lost, shame of the vulnerability and attachment…

In the middle of chaos, it has been lovely to listen peoples memories of Sharathji and understand HOW big of a man he actually was. I noticed myself listening and feeling jealous of some of the stories what was shared. I realised my relationship with him was, what I would call, non-personal. He did not guide me so much of in my asana practice, we did not talk much and he really did not know me almost at all. But at the same time, I knew myself more than ever in his presence, I experienced more of me than ever. So many layers dropped down.

And I shared this with my husband, how some fellow yogis were sharing their struggles, victories and life with him, asking questions and receiving advice…and I did not. My husband asked if I asked anything from him. And then it hit me. It was not that I did not have any questions from him, I had SO many always when I was going to Mysore and when I was practicing at home. It was that his presence took away ALL the questions. There was just clarity, emptiness.

And now. I feel like I am full of questions and no where to go, than to just be with them.

-Anu

Pic by Jose Carballal