Ten years ago, one of the biggest turning points in my life, I was one of the 400 students who got accepted to practice with you. I heard 3500 applied. Same year earlier, I felt LIFE calling me. I needed to pick-up and answer. I quit my job, gave my home away and left for India with my backpack. And even just before my big trip to India, the same year, I won a trip to Bhutan, as one of the miracles of life I just started slowly slowly seeing. The path was opening in front of me. 

I was still recovering from severe depression at that time, and yoga started to ”kick-in” slowly after 5 years of practicing. So I really had some questions. About life.

 

I practiced 10 years with you, but at the same time; LIFETIME. From the first meeting in your office, where you registered and met all of us, one by one. Asked, who your teacher is. That time I found that little girl inside of me, which was SO AFRAID. So afraid that the authority, father, boss, teacher, principle of the school…all those things I saw in you, that you WOULD and WOULDN’T SEE me. At the same time.

 

Then I really started to understand, you know, myself. I never learned any asana from you, you were never teaching me new asanas, so to say. Asana practice felt usually MAGIC in your presence. I learned to take responsibility for my asana practice with your guidance. I stopped expecting always someone to assist me or help me. And when I did, you gave quite lot assistments.  But yogic lessons were always something more profound. I could dive deep in myself mentally, emotionally, while you held the lamp and gave me the tools to see in dark corners of my psyche. Sometimes I even got very deep experiences, where I touched places beyond all that. By guru’s grace, for the first time I felt God existing.

 

I always didn’t agree with you, but in those moments, I connected to the process of observing, that is the sadhana. My experience is that Guru never tells you the answers, he shows where to look. You taught what dedication, discipline, devotion are and how it is crucial in these times. I never knew I had so much bhakti in me, until I met you.

 

I haven’t been afraid of you for many years anymore. I even passed the phase where I was the angry teenager, and I was questioning everything and even you. I learned so much of my anger, how part of it was just sadness, part of it pure rage of not knowing to take care of my boundaries, and how I felt nothing what I did was ever enough…big lessons on unworthiness, which I am still to address in me. Sometimes I remember that we are all worthy of love, we just need to remember it. There are people in your life, who remind you of that. Guru is one. You have been that to me, Guruji. 

 

My last visit was this January, with my family, my other important gurus in my life. For me to have an equal relationship with my husband today, I also bow the lotus feet of you Guruji. I have really peeled some layers in my system to be where I am now. I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, yoga teacher, your student, friend and nothing at the same time. And I see your life in that way too, a Yogi, Guru, father, husband, brother, friend, boss. But how I feel about our relationship now, is described best with Rumi’s words. ”Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

 

I am forever grateful for meeting you there. I still keep meeting you there, eternally. It is the place where I remember God exists. 

 

Thank you for guiding me here on earth these last 10 years. Thank you for your light and love. Your love has no limits, even your physical heart had. May you be free Sharathji.

 

Forever grateful, loving you beyond words,

Anu